Running through my mind.

I have a hard time sleeping at night. I think about my future a lot. How fast time flew by me. Coming home everytime just inspires me more and more. To do well, to keep pushing for what I need to do.I fully realize what true friendship really is. My friends here at home always hit me up to kick it. Always goes out of there way to talk to me when I’m in the Bay. They always tell me to com eback home, or let me know how much of great friend I am. I feel warmth, welcome, and wanted. Never backstabbed, never a feeling if there is anything wrong, because they would tell me wsup asap. They don’t care about my orientation, interests, hobbies, and they usually wanna come with to the gym, shopping, thrifting, eating, hanging out, making sure we’re all just having a good time building memories. I mean of course in the Bay I have a few of those tight knit relationships with my true friends. But I know now, who I shouldn’t even fuck with. Not worth the time if they can’t even reply to a missed text or call. No matter how busy, how stressed my close friends are, they wanna kick it.

Family is always first. Gee, and I had a talk about it. I was like “Dude, just come out to the Bay! Why don’t you wanna go?” And her reply was simple, but stuck in my mind. Family. I wanna just finish school in the Bay and come back and spend the most time I can with my parents and siblings. They care about me so much, and everytime I come home, and leave it’s so hard to say goodbye until next time. It makes me so sad and even want to cry sometimes, knowing the pain I’m putting in my close friends and family’s heart whenever I leave.

I know next semeter is going to be torture, but theres tons of rewards and breaks along the way to the end of the semester. The VA homies is coming to the BAY for me and Maria’s 22nd B-DAY! :] Then SPRING BREAK IN LA with April! :] THEN CERTIFICATE IN IMAGE CONSULTATION from CCSF for my hard work in MAY! :] Of course I’m gonna get to see family again, too! I’ve been paying too much attention to the wrong friends. The fake friends. Why should I care who lieks me or not? I know what I want for my future to be forsure now, and I’m going to finish what I started.

A rant about change.

Time flies is right. A year ago, around this time, I left my big time opportunity with G-star to try my hand again living here in the bay. I left my new car, my set salary, and the opportunity at a career without a college degree. A lot of times it’s easier to say I shoud’ve stuck it out. But I wasn’t completely satisfied. That’s where the term “money can’t buy you happiness,” comes into play. A year ago, I came back to a place that has a weird lure over me. The sights free my mind, the people real enough to make you think why isn’t everyone this easy to get along with. Over time you learn everything changes though. People change, including yourself. You have a ton of epiphany episodes. You move as if you were meant for a lifetime of nomadism. But when things change, there’s not a thing to do but adapt and grow to change with it. I’d never imagine to meet the people I’d meet, the things I’d experience. Almost surreal, and when you leave it for a brief moment, you’d realize it’s just as real as anything else. But… You have to keep focus because all in all shit changes to help you see the big picture, the original goal you set. Everythings changes. You, people, places, everything.

Up & down

I’m done with this up and down business. Is this some kind of cruel test? Some kind of inner strength boot camp? I feel awesome and that everythings going to be okay, and then I run once more into an obstacle.

No, not just any obstacle. One that makes me feel anxiety, fear, tired, sad. If I could ask for anything in the world right now it would be peace. Peace between me and the people that matter to me. Peace to the others who have some strange animosity towards me. Peace to my family, who struggle so hard to take care of my brothers and sister.

Who doesn’t want to be happy? Who doesn’t want nice things? Who doesn’t want security? I’m stuck and trying to figuare out a way to get out of it.

It used to bother me so much when others would talk shit or ask me questions that I can’t really answer myself. “What are you spending your money on? Why don’t you go grocery shopping to save money? Everyones struggling, Matt. You work so much, where does your money go? You need to be more responsible. Can you slide some money that you owe me cause I know you get paid soon. Matt’s easy, just get him liquard up. Matt stop playing dumb. He’s so fake look at him! I don’t like you. Youre air headed, I’m serious. Thats not what I heard about you.”

Yeah, it used to bother me a lot. Yeah, I heard all of that. And now, it doesn’t bother me anymore. I’m not gonna rant about how “bitches hate on me” and shit. I just know deep down inside who I am, the kind of person I will become, and where I want to be in life.

It hurts when you hear shit about yourself that you feel isn’t true. It hurts even more when you have a chance to explain yourself for mistakes that you’ve made, and it’s not good enough. But I’ve come to terms with it. I’ve at least to say I’ve tried my best to fix my mistakes, make peace with whomever I didn’t get along with, and still, after all this hardship, have the will to keep working on making my life better.

It’s a matter of opinion right? If you look for something, good or bad, you’ll find it.

Reality

I wonder a lot about so many things. Why do things happen for whatever the reasons they do happen for? Why do friendships turn sour? Why do you fall for someone who’s hundreds of miles away? Why do opportunity present challenge? Why is money the ruling achievement that most of us strive to gain?

I don’t know. Sure, there are answers. Without opinion, there wouldn’t be answers. It just is, what it is. It’s so funny how things turn out. Funny but not hilarious funny. More like funny with a smirk on your face and that thought,”This is really happening, huh?” It’s just a thought. But thought is powerful. Thought grows which ever way you feed it. Positive thought seems to bring results, yet negitive thought provokes even more negitivity.

So, if everything has a solution, than what is the point of having positive thinking? To bring result? To figuare out the solution? To learn a lesson? No one knows. But if positivity brings result, than that would be the choice to take, personally.